Sith Lords Anonymous
by Sirtalksalot
Summary: I suck at summaries. It's sith Lords coming forward about their problems in therapy sessions. New Chap Up!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or any of its characters….so on with the story …I guess….

Sith Lords Anonymous

Chapter I: Admitting you have a problem

"Hello everyone I'm Bob and I will be your therapist for the next week." Said an obviously gay man. "We're going to have fun!" The man received glares of death from the hooded figures in the room. "Okay have a seat in your chairs." Bob said pointing toward the chairs which were in the formation of a horseshoe with a podium in the front.

The hooded figures took their seats muttering profanities toward the therapist. "Alrighty then, you there," Bob said pointing toward a cloaked person. "Come to the front and tell us how long you have noticed this problem.

"I don't have a problem you stupid bastard now let me out of this room or I'll kill you."

"Ahh…denial is the first stage, please come up to the front of the podium or I'll take away your snack."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" The hooded Sith Lord said glaring at Bob. "What do I care if I don't get a snack for misbehaving?"

"We're having those little donut holes with the sprinkles…"

"Ooohhh I love those….I mean…so what. Fine I'll come to the front of the class but not for doughnut holes…it's because I feel like it." The other Sith Lords in the room laughed a little but quickly shut their mouths.

"My name is Darth Sidious and I have been a Sith Lord for seventy-five years."

"And…" Bob said demandingly.

"And what?" Sidious said glaring at the therapist.

"Why is being a Sith Lord a problem for you?"

"It isn't a problem I'm fine being a Sith Lord you dumb…." He trailed off remembering the doughnut holes.

"I see we have some serious anger issues here." Bob said clasping his hand together. "I want you to try this exercise to get rid of your negativity. Okay I want you to focus all of that negative energy into an imaginary little ball."

"What I don't…."

"Do it."

"Fine." Sidious said annoyed.

"Okay is it in a ball…good…now release the ball."

"You want me to release my anger?"

"Yes it will make you feel better." Bob said smiling.

"Gladly." Sidious said. He quickly pulled his lightsaber from his belt and slashed Bob's head off. "You're right I feel much better." The other Sith Lods got up to see what had just happened.

"I think we need a new therapist." one of the Sith Lords said quietly.

A/N: Well this chapter isn't very good…oh well. Next chap up soon. R&R.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the stuff that George Lucas does. Okay.

"Welcome everyone I will be your new therapist my name is Dr. Phil. As a safety precaution I would like you to leave your weapons outside" There was an excessive amount of grumbling from the Sith Lords as they shuffled outside to discard their weapons.

"As you can see we have removed Sidious for the time being I have punished him by making him go on the Today show for the next couple of days." Dr. Phil said in a southern accent. "Alright Mr. Maul…." Dr. Phil said looking down at his clipboard. "You're up next. I believe we are on the first step of admitting the problem."

"My name is Darth Maul and….I have been a Sith Lord for twenty three years….and I haven't brushed my teeth in seven."

Maul said sobbing.

"Alright…that's kinda gross. For your first set of therapy you should go buy all of my books twice."

"That doesn't sound very therapeutic for me." Maul said narrowing his eyes.

"Oh it's not for you it's for me I find it very therapeutic when I have more money. I don't give a rat's ass about how you feel." Dr. Phil said looking at his clipboard. "Now go have a seat."

"Fine."

"Is that a threat Mr. Maul?"

"What?" Maul said staring at his therapist.

"Calm down!"

"I didn't do anything…"

"I said calm down…don't make me restrain you!" Phil yelled. Maul ignored the crazy Phil and walked over to his seat. "I'm warning you! That's it, GUARDS!"

"What I didn't do anything." Maul said as two heavily armored guards walked in the room and grabbed him around the arms.

"Guards take him into solitary confinement he's being belligerent." Phil said still looking at his clip board.

"Alright sorry about that little inconvenience, I have just been told that Mr. Maul has strangled himself with a cordless phone."

"Anyway our next person we will tak with is Darth Vader…I believe you are suffering from asthma." Dr. Phil said looking up at the remaining Sith. "How did you become a Sith?"

"Well…" Vader began, "It all started when I was about nine….

"…And then I said to Palpatine, You can't stick that there it's not sanitary…guys?" Vader looked around everyone was asleep and snoring loudly. "HEY!" Vader yelled waking Dr. Phil and the others.

"Yes…yes…troubled past….good job Vader…go sit down." Phil said pointing at Vader's seat. "Now then I'm going to skip the rest of you because I get paid the same no matter how long I work so next we shall move on to STEP TWO!

A/N: Yea that chap sucked….don't hurt me. Anyway Read and Review and next Phil will move onto step two solving mental issues.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I also don't own Dr. Phil, CBS, NBC, or any of their affiliates.

Chapter III: Getting Rid of the Problem

"Alright Palpatine are you ready to join us again?" Dr. Phil asked at the next therapy session. Palpatine didn't answer. "The producer of the today show however fired you because you…attacked Al Roker."

"Hey Hey Hey, he was asking for it all week." Palpatine said defensively.

"What did he do?"

"He was reading off old peoples birthday's and put me in there and said my age was too old to count."

"Right well sit down." Phil said walking to his podium. "Okay this is how it's goin' down I need more money to bribe CBS to keep my show on the air cause' it's so boring. So now I made NBC make our sessions into a reality show."

"What happened to all your money on CBS?" Count Dooku asked.

"I had to use it to bribe NBC to give me the show we're going to do." Phil said nodding his head. "Now at the end of each show someone will be voted off the show."

"Well then how does that help us if we don't finish our thereapy?" Darth Malik asked.

"Don't you remember I said it in the last chapter I don't care about you I care about me." Phil said with a smile. "Wait nevermind we've been cancelled."

"How can we have been cancelled we haven't even started yet?"

"They cancelled us to make room for a new show…something about keeping Paris Hilton in a barrel with a Barbara Streisand for a week to see which annoying person eats the other first. So anyway on to step two. We need to change the fact that you have a problem. We have several issues we need to deal with I'm going to work with each of you one–on-one with these problems mmk. First we will start with Palpatine."

"Grrr…..I don't have a problem…" Palpatine mumbled under his breath.

"Mmk, so it looks like you have some pent up frustration right now….so we will work with it." Phil said, Palpatine merely grumbled. "Now where did I put my feel better tool?" Phil asked walking behind Palpy. "Ah, here it is."

"What is it?" Palpatine said turning around. We he turned he was met with a blow to the face. "AHH! Son of a…OW" He was met with yet another blow to the head.

"Are we feeling better yet?"

"NO YOU FAT BAST-OW!" Another blow to the head.

"Feeling better now?"

"NO You little…"

"Nope…" Dr. Phil slammed the stick into Palpatine a few more times as the other Sith lords looked on in dismay. Finally Palpatine fell unconscious. "Okay then….as you can see Palpatine is feeling better. He is now in a deep meditative state and is not responding any longer."

"No I'm pretty sure you knocked him ou…" Phil slapped the complaing sSith lorf in the head with the stick.

"BLASPHEMY!"

A/N: Yes it was a really short chap…but aren't they all. I have left the fic sit for so long so I decided to update quickly I should have a longer chap up later.


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